What Not To Wear…Hunting Edition
This is the time of year when a young man’s fancy turns to…mossy oak.
Years ago, when I first returned to the south-ish after a stay in the wilds of North Jersey, I met a fellow we’ll call…aw hell, we’ll call him Ed, because that’s his name. He was a true southern gentleman, but I’m sure it was the big truck and the drawl that got me. I’m a sucker for a country boy.
He invited me to go hunting with him on Thanksgiving morning, and I accepted. That’s right – I said I’d go.
Let’s not pretend that you haven’t done anything foolish just to be near a particular member of the gender of your choice, mmkay?
On said morning, I awoke at the crack of two a.m. because hunting is one of those things that one begins before normal people are awake, since you look so freaking ridiculous in that getup. Seriously.
I showered so I would be fresh for the object of my affection, and plastered deodorant under my flowery, delicate underarm area.
Do you know where this is going?
At no time did Ed inform me that deer can smell! How was I supposed to know that they liked hippies and would flee from anyone who tried to gussy herself up a bit??
Needless to say, the trip was a wash, despite Ed’s spraying me with something I can only describe as “Deer Funk” and putting his own layers of scent-lessly-washed camouflage on top of my cute outfit. Let me tell you, I was glad I’d put on that deodorant.
But we sat under a tree, back to back, in the still hush of pre-dawn. The fog gave way to the bright golds and reds and rusty browns of a southern forest, and I was there to witness it. Only an hour from Washington D.C., I sat in utter stillness and quiet, keeping the company of a man who knew the language of his place.
And I still smelled pretty.
That deer funk? That was deer pee. Thats what my hunter friend said,
Oh, my! I am so glad you cleared that up for me. *shudder*
I’m bummed. I thought you were going to actually post pictures of you in those outfits! But that’s ok. I live in Texas so I see a lot of those outfits around here. Some days I’m surprised when I don’t see more of them!
I, too, see a lot of those camouflage outfits. In fact, it made me feel better today when I was out running errands in my sweat pants and Camel cigarette baseball cap. They made me look pretty darn good, honestly. Of course, no one could actually see them…
“Deer Funk ” and “Useless as a dress full of tits”…you have given me a reason to go to work tomorrow.
ps. FYI, you are also one of the reasons I signed up for a writing class…your creativity is inspiring, BKT!
Dear b, you are too kind! I can’t tell you how amazed I am at you and your wonderful humor. I don’t know how you keep it up. For you to compliment me is just the highest honor.
And of course, the cult of BKT is now the cult of bschooled. Please – use your powers for good.
Evocative writing BK. I spend more than a few early mornings in grad school wandering the forests of eastern Oklahoma and Arkansas in frosty half light, so I am familar with the stillness and wonder of it all. I miss those days. Thanks for sharing.
So nice to see you. I imagine you miss those woods after so many weeks of desert, don’t you?
That would be yes.
That was a sweet story! Although I’ve never hunted, I’ve always (and still do) seek out the solitary of the woods, or the desert, or especially the wide open ocean. For me, it’s pure bliss!
Well, I still haven’t hunted, Scott! Unless you count car keys, happiness, the great American novel, or snipe. Thanks for dropping in.
Pink Camo keeps the deer away too.
Honestly, I can’t say I blame them. Pink camo keeps me away as well.
Ah, yes.. the things one is willing to do for a man. Been there, not hunting but attending an NRA dinner which is…….worse, actually.
Did the miss the “useless as a dress full of tits”?
You just need to visit our dear bschooled. All will be revealed (and I do mean revealed) there.
best article I read about this yet!