Wheels
My daughter got her driver’s license last week, which has made me feel kind of old, and kind of nostalgic. We bought her a 1995 VW Jetta from a friend of mine and just finished getting it road-ready, but she still can’t drive it since it’s a manual transmission.
But I can.
I took that car out yesterday, ostensibly because it’s our only vehicle with air conditioning (don’t ask) and it was 90 degrees with 234% humidity. I went with no kids and no husband.
For just a little while, I got to pretend I was something I haven’t been in seventeen years. I felt just for a moment like maybe I could really be twenty-one again, and have every possibility in front of me.
Maybe I could go to New School for Social Research like I had wanted to. Maybe I could major in art and live in the city and make something of myself.
Maybe I could seek forgiveness from the boy whose heart I’d broken for no good reason.
Maybe I would not wake up to find that my dear friend Roger had hanged himself in our old house.
Maybe no one would steal all my scrimped for paints and brushes from that apartment.
Maybe there would be no pink line on that test.
I hung my arm out the window and stomped on the gas, playing the music as loud as I could and choking out the lyrics to drown the sadness, the ache, the wishes.
I drove. I drove away.
Just for a moment.
That was incredibly well written, eloquent and beautiful! I know for me, the past is almost like a drug, and that is not a good thing. I lost a lot in my life and I’ve learned the best thing for me is always to live in the present. It’s not too late to do anything. You’re only 36? That’s my age, and the world is still wide open to us! So go listen to ‘Who’s gonna drive you home’ by The Cars, have a cry and then move on! If my advice is unwanted, I’m sorry. I just know what is most productive for me personally. And what makes me and keeps me happy! You bought your daughter a sweet little car!
I got teary just reading the name of that song. How did you know??
I’m actually a couple of years older than you, but the last year has aged me a lot. I was just having a moment. Your advice is not unwanted, since it comes from empathy and not from someone who doesn’t understand. You and Bearman totally made me want to listen to 80s music so I made myself an 80’s mix on Playlist.com http://www.playlist.com/playlist/17508898059
I’ll be adding more in between washing dishes and playing with children. Have a lovely evening, Scott.
I know we’re very close in age because I love almost every song on there. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of a band called Bright Eyes (not the song, the band) we’ll don’t listen to them.
Haha, I meant we will not listen to them! It’s kind of a joke!
I don’t get the joke, but Conor Oberst or whatever his name is has a twin here in my town who reads poetry exceedingly well. He’s quite talented and has those ridiculously beautiful eyes. Conor should be against the law for young girls.
I think the worst kind of regret for me has been making conscious choices for things I really thought I wanted at the time- things that affected lives forever- and then discovering later that I didn’t really want that choice after all.
And now I can’t even buy my self another car, much less my teenager, because I have made a lot of foolish choices.
But I like Scott’s words about the present. The present isn’t always much to get excited about, at least for me. But it is all we really have.
I think I understand what you are saying. It’s the thing we are not allowed to say, I guess. I’ve made choices, too, and every time we choose one thing we close the door on another. I think you and I are the only people I know who drive old cars. Oh, hell – that’s not true. Are all of our friends poor??
The song that came to my head was Cyndi Lauper’s “I drive all night”
But then think about it this way. If your life had taken a different turn, you might not have a great kid to teach how to drive a manual car.
Right-o, Bearman. Thank you for stopping in and reminding me of another great 80s song. See my answer to Scott below.
What no Fixx, no Depeche Mode, no Squeeze, no They Might be Giants..haha
See, I was going for the stuff I don’t actually listen to on a regular basis. I like Squeeze and They Might Be Giants. Depeche Mode seems like a band I should love, but I really, really don’t. Fixx I can take, but it doesn’t excite me. Cyndi Lauper – now that excites me.
You picked Donnie Iris! Love the King Cool album. When I want to become depressed, I listen to “The Last to Know”.
Thanks for the reminder of some great tunes.
It was truly my pleasure. There are some embarrassing picks on there, but what can I say. I came of age during a musically retarded time.
This is why nostalgia sucks.
Your 21 year old self didn’t have an appreciation of what you do now. If your 21 self was like my 21 self she was floating about, unsure, super-confident but free-falling. Embrace the sadness but take strength from the fact that your 21 year old self couldn’t imagine going through the things that you have. And surviving
My 21 year old self was actually just about as confident as I am now, which is not much. Free-falling, yes.
And it’s true that I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be. I think, though, that the drawback to being strong while wrestling with mental illness is that I sometimes don’t want to have to be strong anymore. I’d like to coast for a while. Like a month. I mean, is that too much to ask?
Aah. I’m only joshing, anyway.
Good morning, my friend.
Regret and sadness over things that happened before can be such overwhelming obstacles sometimes, can’t they? I think ou’re an incredible young lady, to be admired for all that she has survived, and what she will accomplish in the years ahead.
Create a new and happier past every day, my dear…one that you and your children will remember…and smile about. And today, as you’re doing that, maybe some “All I Ask”, by Crowded House, but clap and sing it like a tent revival diva, because you rock
I love the idea of singing like a tent revival diva. I mean, the very thought that a tent revival should have a diva is fabulous. I’m sure I won’t have any trouble finding a revival ’round these parts so I can study how to behave like one. It is summer, after all. Potlucks and revivals for everyone!
And yes. I’m certainly trying to make my kids’ lives happy, and I know I still have a wee little bit of time left.
wowser BKT! that was so beautiful yet so sad!
Theres always time to do the things you never got to do, its just a matter of getting out there and going for it! you’re a writer now and thats proof!
But that was just wonderful!
Bob
Bob, thank goodness you’re here! I felt since Alantru was gone I should stand in for him, though I understand he might be standing somewhere not so very far away from beside me.
I’m banking on having that time, Bob. Maybe I’ll come visit you in Australia. It’s definitely on my list of must-see places. I’ll put you on the book tour or something.
Beautifully written BKT; beautifully written heartfelt stuff.
Sweats is right, you know….. even about Crowded House.
Cheers,
NobblySan
Thank you, dear NobblySan. I do appreciate the thoughts…even about Crowded House.
And dear heavens there are a lot of winky faces around here today. Kind of annoying, aren’t they?
I’m almost as touched by the heartfelt sentiments of your dedicated, supportive readers as your story. I’m writing my story right now and it’s incredibly hard not to get caught up in the what if’s…. for me it’s about learning to appreciate where I am right now.. life sucks sometimes, but we come out the wiser and the stronger for it, as trite as that sounds.. but I have some experience so it entitles me to be trite.
I’ll be 55 on Weds. and I no longer wish to live with regrets or loss…. It drags me down and why let that happen? I’ve already got body parts doing that for me!!!
Who knows maybe we all get that second or third chance to do the things we wanted?
Can’t wait to listen to the list.. never even heard of The Crowded House.
I am more touched by my readers.
Wait a minute. I think I mean my readers are more touched. In any event, I have enjoyed the conversation here, though some vocal parties don’t think comment threads are about conversations. I’ll take what I can get, ’cause I’m secretly a sap like that. And I guess it depends on your goal, too. My goal is to pretend I have friends, so it works for me.
I think I’m making my own second chance right about now. Sounds like you are doing the same.
Wow, feeling weepy. That Cars song and the video used to just devastate me. Still does.
Thank you. I was feeling a little melancholy after reconnecting with an old friend. We had an imagined falling out years ago, and I finally stopped being pig-headed (unusual for me to admit I was wrong). Anyway, she is single, owns multiple homes, works in a university, dates lots of men, etc. I was feeling really tied down, encumbered, as if I am not living up to my potential.
And then I realized that I have what I always wanted. Someone once told me, “We create the lives we want for ourselves.” I am lucky enough to have done just that. I have gotten all the things I have always dreamed about. Yes, there has been some sacrifice, but my goodness, the gifts I have gotten in return!
Not only that, I have what my friend longs for, what she has been unable to find. She actually was seeking MY advice on how to find the right man!
Hmmm…Amazing.
I’m so glad for you, that you could take a step back and realize you do have what you want. I can’t say that I hate my life. I think the answers are always more complicated than that.
I was just feeling that way, on that day. And it felt good to make it into something beautiful.
I don’t feel that way every day. It just had an extraordinary weekend.
In some ways I miss my young self that used to be able to stay up all night AND still make it to work, despite a blistering hang over. Now I can’t function if I go to bed after 10:00! Where is that girl?
And I already have insomnia and I’m only middle-aged! At least, I hope this is the middle. Truly.
That was very beautiful. I am sending telepathic hugs through the internet.
I’m 20 right now, so this post and the comments are a good reminder to me to appreciate every minute of my life. No one can control the way their life goes, but we can control what we make of it, right? From what I’ve read of your blog I think what you’ve made of your life is something to be proud of. I hope I do as well as you have.
I should give you a list of things not to do. But I’m sure you won’t listen, so I won’t bother. But if I could sit you down and tell you some stuff, you might at least think twice.
Fly and be free, young one. It’s a big world and a long life.
What a beautiful writing BKT. Maybe when I leave from work later on, I’ll get the car and take a right instead of the usual left. See what happens.
Ivan
We all need to break our cycles now and then. Mix it up a bit. Do let us know how it goes if you decide to take that right.
It also reminded me of that movie Elizabethtown. Did u ever watched it?
Great movie. Very underrated!
I agree with you Aunt Baaa! Glad you watched and liked it!
I did watch it. I liked it! The music from it was fun, also. Thanks for coming to visit all the way from Brazil.
I loved the guitars from Nancy Wilson! Hey, it’s a pleasure to visit. Thanks for writing!
I never imagined someone would thank me for writing. I’m so grateful! I should be thanking you for reading it. So – thank you.
Regrets, bad life choices, disappointments and failures make us human….I have to tell myself that when I reflect on times in my life and I cringe with melancholic embarrassment.
Honestly, who would want to be close to some pollyanna woman anyway…. I like people that have really lived!
Two nights ago, I had the very same experience . My daughter just got a new car and I had to drive her to the airport (in her new car) . I blasted the music so loud that when I pulled into my drive way, my neighbor said… Wow,
I thought that was Megan, who else would have the music that loud”!!!! You’re never to old to hang your arm out the window and rediscover the joy of one’s youth!
Thanks for sharing…it touched me and all your wonderful comments from friends.
Sometimes, a moment is all you get and sometimes it’s all you need.
How do you get all this great dialogue going on your blog? My blog is like a lurker’s wasteland.
And yeah. Crowded House. Didn’t they do “Don’t Dream it’s Over?” There you have it, then.
I dreamed it’s over my head. Over my head. But it sure feels nice.
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Actually, the secret is finding blogs that are like yours and leaving comments. Taking part in that “conversation” I mentioned in another comment. It helps if famous people like your writing, too. Like take Bob Trusty. He’s a legend, and he loves my stuff. People follow him everywhere. I don’t know what else to say.
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going back to a point in time, or a song, or a car, and re-imagining. How different things would be if only…. there are some seemingly small choices we make that can change the entire course of what happens and who we turn out to be. “just for a moment” Thanks
Unisom, unisom, unisom. That is the only way I can get a decent night’s sleep. 43 is no picnic my friend!