Teach Your Children
This is an open letter to teenagers. I know they won’t read it. And if they do, they probably won’t really get it for a while yet. But maybe if I put something incendiary in here, it will capture their attention just long enough to lodge in their brains and be remembered at some later time, in a moment of nostalgia or wistfulness or drunkenness.
So here it is, dear teenagers – you are all mean. And you’re stupid, too.
Here’s the good news: you don’t have to be. You are about to start school again, and you are going to see people behaving like the idiots we all are. That’s right – I said all of us. Unfortunately, most of us don’t grow out of this completely.
We hate because our parents hated. We laugh at the way that girl is dressed because MTV and TLC tell us that’s not how to dress. That guy everybody thinks is gay? Guess what? He is. So what? And the girl everyone calls a slut? She’s damaged in ways you can’t imagine.
See, being alive is hard. So many things can go wrong from the very beginning, it’s a wonder any of us makes it to adulthood, or even wants to. We rebel against what we know but we never get as far as we need to from the really bad stuff. That’s the stuff that sticks, and makes us into who we eventually become. You can spend decades, lifetimes even, peeling off that god-awful gunk. Absentee parenting. Affectionless childhood. Racism. Hatred. Violence. Abuse. Rape.
It’s so much work.
But you can make it just a little bit easier. Maybe not for yourself, though; I’m afraid I can’t help you there. But kindness and love are contagious. Go listen to “Say Hey” by Michael Franti and Spearhead and tell me you don’t feel all warm and giggly inside. See what I’m saying?
Here’s what you can do.
Understand that the girl who’s dressed funny is brave, not stupid. She’s rocking something you’re too cowardly to try. Respect that.
Try to find compassion for the crazies. You know who I mean. Every school has them. Do you seriously think they want to be that way? Imagine the kind of hell it takes to make a person be so reckless and self-destructive. Be the kid that says, “Hey, I’m worried about you.”
Be the one guy that won’t cross the line of friendship with that girl. You know, the one who sleeps with everyone? Be the one guy that walks her to the door after a date and gives her a hug goodnight and tells her you had a great time.
You can’t fix anything. You’re just as helpless as every other damaged person in this world. And while you won’t remember the date with that girl, or the name of the kid you were concerned about, you can bet they will remember you, forever.
So go; make it good. Because we’re all in this life raft together.
[...] of blatant racism,” Israeli Foreign Ministry spokesman Yigal Palmor told CNN on Wednesday. Teach Your Children – barelyknittogether.com 08/20/2009 Posted by Barely Knit Together on Aug 19, 2009 in The [...]
That was beautiful and eloquent, inspired and timely BKT! I do believe that it is slowly getting better in every way. Seriously. This new generation is more tolerant and accepting than my generation, by far. We have now elected a black man president and it is a hell of a lot easier to be openly gay. – I guess that still depends on your region. I know it’s a lot better in big cities. Nobody I went to school with came out. Now, a lot of kids are openly gay. I think that very positive steps are being made; I still have hope for us all.
That was an amazing letter and I’d love to see it published somewhere. And it is publishable! Kids still watch MTV? You mean TLC like “Don’t go chasing waterfalls?” I’m too far out of the loop; I should just give it up.
TLC is The Learning Channel, where we learn things like wearing clothes that are ugly is unacceptable, and that having a whole new look is the best way to build self-esteem. Of course, I wouldn’t really know. My daughter is always threatening to turn me in to them, so I’m guessing style is not my forte. Accent aigu, of course.
And I think teenagers are every bit as catty and mean as they ever were. It might not be about the same things, but it’s not different in substance. What’s my motto? People are idiots. Teenagers are extra so, but that’s because it basically sucks to be one.
Nice sentiment…I do think, however, that it’s a constitutional right for every teenager to be a pain in the arse. I was a gigantic pain, although I was one of the crazies who wandered around wearing a cape and carrying a basket like a certifiable latter-day Red Riding Hood. I LOVED it that other people mocked me: it made me think I was doing my job as a grade A weirdo.
But being a bully is another thing altogether. Horse-whipping those evil teens is perfectly reasonable.
I think it’s genetic, biological, and a curse nonetheless. I’m envious that you love being mocked. I was never secure enough in myself to be okay with being weird, but I couldn’t help being weird anyway. Trying to be average just never quite worked out for me. So it was a double whammy of sorts.
And I can think of punishments much more creative than horse-whipping, but I don’t think I should include them here.
That was great, I have not even gotten to the teenage years with my girls but Kindergarden starts next week and I want my daughter to be kind to everyone but also be guarded also… Her mother loved and accepted everyone and that gets sticky too, I want her to stand up for herself but have a variety of friends and not judge others by the outside but what really matters.
That’s such a great point, Jamie. I was too trusting and open with my heart when I was young, and it lead me into trouble and hurt. Life is such a difficult balancing act.
Where were you with this advice when I actually was a teenager.
I won’t pretend that hearing things like this makes a real difference. I’m sure it falls mostly on deaf ears. But if I were to guess where I was when you were a teenager, I’d say I was probably suffering the same affliction.
Ohh – you squeezed my heart.
I want to squeeze YOU, you lovely gal! So when can I move to Austin??
I’m forwarding this to some of the teenagers I know. Thank you!
Is there some way to grab some nasty teenagers by the scruff of the neck and make them read that? Maybe as a way to bring them back down to earth?
It just seems like too much work to be so mean all the time. It is so much easier to be kind. Maybe that is because I am so old and tired? I just don’t have the energy or will to be mean?
I think it could be required in juvy hall or something. But I also should add that for those on the receiving end of things, just know that mostly you won’t care in a few years. And if you feel a little bit of that hurt returning, stomp on it. It’s not worth the energy. (Now, if I could only take that advice to heart…)
The problem with teenagers is that as soon as they figure it out and become human, there’s a whole new crop waiting to take their place. It’s the circle of life, and it annoys us all.
I like this new take on the circle of life. Just a re-breeding of meanness instead of death, you say? Delightful. But yes, I see it is true. And I’ve noticed that some teens never really do become human, do they? I think I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating – people are just a bad invention.
Nicely done BK, now write a very similar letter to adults.
It’s the same conceit I tried to get my kids to see and I am glad they seem to ‘get it.’
I just got to witness in my daughter a moment of meanness followed by the immediate realization that she was in the wrong and should make amends. I take this as a good sign.
Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll get through to adults. But who knows? Stranger things have happened.
I home-schooled my 15 yo until the year she went into 8th grade. The hardest thing for her was understanding why the kids were so mean. It baffled her. There was one boy that apparently kids kept throwing into the trash can. Her mind could not comprehend that a human would do this act to another human. Could she see it because she had never been in the thick of it, or because she just has that kind of heart? I don’t know. But I’m so thankful for her. She gives me Hope.
BKT – I totally understand your comments, I have always been both weird and too insecure to “own it”.
On the kid front, though, the sad thing is that they have to live it to learn it. Just like each of my kids had to touch the grill before they’d believe me that it’s hot – they have to get burned in other ways too. The sad fact is that we humans are lousy at learning from other people’s experiences.
The cool thing is that it all gets better when you grow up. Whoever said that your best times are in high school is living a very different life than I am. It is way cooler to be a grown up (even with the added responsibilities).
That was a great post, and right on, especially in your comments about TLC! So glad to have this to tweet about and pass on via email!!