Six Degrees of Separation and Divorce
Facebook is convincing me that we are at the end of any possible advancement as a species.
Take the “We’re Related” application.
Essentially, you can add your relatives, who then add theirs, etc., so you can see exactly why that nephew of yours is a little off, what with his parents being second cousins and everything.
I once dated a guy who happened to be descended from Pocahontas. It was a little disturbing at first, since I am also distantly related to her. At least, it was until I discovered that she has something like six million descendants. And also, we weren’t looking to procreate, you know?
Really, no matter what your religious views are, we are pretty much all kinfolk, as uncomfortable as that might be to me. So I’m thinking this is how it’s going down:
Despite the fact that there are billions of us, we are all so much closer than we might think. And also, so much meaner. And dumber. We reproduce at a ridiculous rate, increasing the mean and dumb quotients, until we will likely start killing each other and divorcing each other before replicating ourselves because we find out we’re too closely related.
I’ve long thought there are just far too many of us for things to end well.
And don’t bother pointing out all the little flaws in my theory, or get to feeling all hurt about me calling people mean and dumb. I don’t mean you. I mean those other people.
There, now. Be fruitful and go do something beautiful in the world before you multiply your bad self.
BKT, I’ve thought the same thing on more than one occasion.
I once had this “acquaintance” (and the quotes don’t mean he was more than an acquaintance, they only mean I have no idea what else to call him), who was dating his first cousin. People were giving him a hard time about it, so he freaked out and sent a mass email declaring the high number of healthy babies conceived from parents who were related.
I just kept thinking, “If everyone in this world is related somehow, I can’t help but feel a little nauseous….”
There are no healthy babies, only healthy…well, I’m not sure where I was going with that, but for what it’s worth, a rapid decline in the overall intelligence of the species might help people like us feel even better about ourselves.
A zombie attack is sounding pretty darn good right about now.
I love how you felt the need to tell us you didn’t date him.
Well, if you believe in Adam & Eve and taking that bite…. then it’s only logical we’re all related at the end of the trail…..and all because of a stinkin’ apple.
Even if you believe in primordial ooze, it amounts to the same thing. As far as the apple bit, I can’t even believe it. I mean, a mango, sure, but an apple?? Totally not worth it.
God, what a beautiful thing to write. You are correct…we are all mean and dumb. I lean towards mean but I also embrace my dumbness.
Now that you mention it, I do have a cousin who is kind of hot. What could it hurt?
I say live it up, Tannerleah. You can’t spend all your time agonizing over whether or not to write for us again. And are you back for good? I want to add you to the roll.
Yes, I am back. (For better or worse). Was I not on the roll before? I thought we had a “thing”?
You were, but I’ve moved and redecorated. You’re back on. I think between us we have several “things”, if by “things” you mean personality disorders.
Yeah. I already rented “Idiocracy”. Way to be original.
Yay! My first insult! I’m so happy you came. I’ve been waiting for you. You’re right, the post is derivative. I’ll try harder next time, and I’m sure you will too. See ya!
I used to go horseback riding on a dirt path that leads to the gravesite of Pocahontas’ (only?) granddaughter. I think that means the 3 of us – you, me and the horse – might be related. Somehow.
But you make a good point; especially for those relatively homogenous societies, like the Japanese and West Virginians.
Homogenous societies like West Virginia, hahaha!!!
I met a guy on Match a few years back who happened to be my third cousin!! thank god we weren’t a good fit.. Though he’s an excellent writer. ( turn on for me)
If only our inbreeding were as successful as the Japanese. Ha! Only kidding! You know I have a strong contingent of Japanese readers and I would hate to offend them. Because I hate offending people, and think it’s only right that people are so easily offended. And yes, I’m pretty sure we are related to that horse. He has my nose.
West Virginia!!! haha…
I met a third cousin once on Match.com… talk about a creep out. We even kissed, I admit!!
Before or after you knew it was your cousin?
Hmmm.. well, I must admit it was after. I figured that 3rd cousins wasn’t all that serious. I should never had let him kiss me for a hundred other reasons… (we live in the South!!!)
Oh my goodness, all these slams on the south!
I love it here. We embrace our quirkiness and thinly disguise our humanness with manners. Okay, okay. It’s not the people I love. It’s the land, the architecture, and the weather. And all those hot cousins.
oops? huh? sorry!!
gawd.. talk about dumbasses!
I could edit all of this to make more sense, but it would lose comedic value, so I’m leaving it as-is. You don’t mind, right?
I agree with your theory wholeheartedly! I know that this is off topic, but I don’t have any living relatives at all anymore so I can say what I want! What is weird for me with facebook is that I’m friends with my wife, obviously. Then a couple high school sweetheart’s friend me. Then straight up ex-girlfriends. Now my ex-wife as well. This is some scary shit. I’m always waiting for someone to flip out. I honestly don’t like it, but it’s not like I could have said, “no I won’t be your friend.” It won’t be long before we start seeing social networking lawsuits!!
What do you mean that you don’t know what I’m up to? They caught the uni-bomber. Oh, but they didn’t catch the Zodiac killer. Now I understand. nevermind.
I was never a big fan of these relationship websites such as orkut, my space and/or facebook. Now, the idea of networking with my cousins just scares the shit out of me. Those girls are all married and have their own children, you know. Those same chicks with whom me [and my brothers] ‘learned’ so many things when we were teens… Hell no!!
Ew, Ivan. You have a valid and disturbing point there. It’s a good thing my cousins lived 500 miles away from me growing up. And that I’m not a West Virginian.
So you really do think I’m the Zodiac? Your silence is loud!!
*Yawn!* Huh? What? I’m sorry, I was napping.
Wait a minute! You must be the Zodiac killer. You mentioned your Zodiac sign a while back, Aquarius, right? And you love water, and the murders took place in California which…has water!
Ahhh! I’ve figured it out! And you were quite the crack shot for a toddler, I must say.
I’m a Pisces. Sorry, I was just needing attention. Did you see that I’m being stalked? These two are like taking over, and they aren’t really funny, and I’m scared, and I might have to change my name and or blog title or run away to Asia!! Whoooooooo. Better now, I took a valium! Check out my comments for my latest one and batshit crazy. It was the batshit crazy that must have attracted them.
Oh, good lord. Now I remember that you are a Pisces. That explains a lot. I’m going to look now. I’m all about batshit crazy.
I’m so pleased to know I’m not the only one who deleted the relative feature on my FB….it was creepy to see them each time I clicked onto my profile page! Yikes!
Great…TL leaves you and get’s welcomed back with open arms. I stuck around and got the boot. waaaaaa..haha
Hey…what about me??
Boot? What boot? I’m here, can you hear me? Bearman can you hear me? Can you feel me near you? Bearman can you see me? Can I help to cheer you?
I just love me a good rock opera. And I’m working on getting my links all back up. Sorry, Bear.
Hey, I’m in the thick of it down here in Gawga!!
Although, Atlanta is not the “real” Gawga.
I’m on it!
Yes, you know what they call Atlanta now, right? “New North Jersey.” Oh, wait, I’m thinking of Raleigh. Or maybe it’s Clearwater?
Aw, there are just damn New Jerseyans everywhere.*
*Disclaimer: I do not, nor have I ever, had anything against people from New Jersey. I lived in North Jersey for three years and enjoyed it immensely, even though the drivers are nightmarish. I also enjoyed that whenever I opened my mouth, they thought I was dumber than a bag of hammers because of my accent, which isn’t even that pronounced. It gives one an advantage to be considered dumb when one is not. If only I could enjoy the pace of life, weather, and landscape here with the access to everything I could ever imagine wanting like up there. I miss Ethiopian food. And live blues.
What is that from?
Sorry. It’s from Tommy, The Who’s rock opera. I thought everyone had seen that.
That’s actually one I have missed.
Don’t worry, Bearman. You didn’t miss much. Not to say I don’t like The Who. They’re okay. But Quadrophenia was a better film. And actually, Suburbia was the best of all, but I guess that’s not technically a rock opera, is it?