Is Crazy an Excuse for Rambling?
I plan to make this the world’s most poorly planned and quickly executed blog post in history.
I drove to New Jersey Friday while listening to Wigfield by Amy Sedaris, Stephen Colbert, and Paul Dilello, and found myself transported to a land in which, instead of passing big rigs with Jesus slogans plastered on them, I sped by things such as a “World’s Largest Mushroom Producer” truck with tremendous mushroom graphics everywhere. There is something disturbing about a fungus that dwarfs your minivan.
Next up – “The Sons of Anarchy” rig, decked out in skulls and amazing tattoo art, or something. It was a thing of beauty, not least because I assumed it was a militia that was gathering a large following and obviously interesting many investors in its plan. What militia can afford an eighteen-wheeler like that? They’re normally too busy amassing weaponry and building compounds.
Since I don’t really believe there has yet emerged a group capable or truly willing to overthrow the government, I found myself getting really excited about the possibility that here was just such a group. Organized enough to have a name, to get the fancy truck with the gorgeous art, and to take their show on the road. Alas, thanks to the wonders of Google, I now know that “Sons of Anarchy” is a fucking television show. And that about sums up my opinion. I like my imaginary version much better, and have been busy writing up the vision statement for my newly formed militia, “Sons of Bitches and Daughters of Anarchy.” Leaving a revolution to men is just so eighteenth-century.*
Finally, my favorite vehicle on the road Friday was the tanker truck reading, “Valley Proteins – Not for human consumption. Technical Animal Fat.” I think it requires no further embellishment. I will just let the full impact of the possiblitites for the existence of such a beast to settle into your mind. And your stomach.
All in all, it was a delightful drive with only moderate screaming in the background, during which I just put both ear buds broadcasting Wigfield into my ears and turned up the volume. A lot.
*I have set up a Paypal account for receiving donations with which to pay for my husband’s defense when he sues the Department of Energy to have his security clearance reinstated. Fortunately, when Big Brother questions me about him, they don’t ask my views on government, so there’s a chance no one will notice my little leanings toward…let’s call it Extreme Libertarianism. Nonetheless, your donations are appreciated. I will use them to buy a cool truck and get some new ink. Thanks.
Was it the Stephen Colbert with the soft “t” or when he still had the hard “t”?
Oh my heavens did I screw up on some spelling up in here. I’ve corrected everything. I did say “poorly planned and quickly executed,” right?
Welcome home. I thoroughly enjoyed reading that, and, for the record, saw no traces of “poorly planned and quickly executed.”
First of all great post, loved the road commentary!
But I can’t concentrate on that right now. You’ve just turned me on to Wigfield! I love Colbert, I love satire, and I love books! Like I’ve said I’m so far out of the loop now, I had no idea. I do get to watch ‘The Daily Show’ and ‘Colbert’, because comedy central runs them on feed.
Anyway I’m ordering the book on Amazon right now, so thanks!
I have been driving too much of late and in fact will be again in a few minutes and have noticed a few goofy things myself. I have driven by a series of signs that read “Gov’t Created Dust Bowl.” Of course this was in a desert so I’m not sure they have much of a case…landscape ecology being what it is and all. Damn tyrants.
Nothing beats magic cake and drink that makes you shrink.
I always say…
LOL. Some of the greatest experiences are behind the wheel….of course, so are the worst. Anyways, great post. Very amusing and not at all poorly planned.
LOSTL! you should get tattoos. Mum wont let me get any, but thats ok as it could direct attention from my acting skills.
Driving next to those big rigs sounds scary! with big, burly men behind the wheel. did you make them pull the horn? LOSTL! That would be fantastic!
I hope you’re having a blast!
Bob
Here in Brazil the trucks don´t carry graphics on [at least most of them]. What they do carry instead are some funny [stupid] quotes in the rear end in the shape of giant bumper stickers. I thought of translating one of those to you… maybe I’ll do it sometime.
I Like the things you write! Thanks for sharing!
Ivan
No room left in the comment box.
Damn comment box.
I have a theory on FJ’s lack of breathlessness. I like to think it’s the former. But then again, I am one seriously sorry assed and deluded fool.
Damned sriously sorry assed deluded fools.
They’re on the list.
LOSTL! You guys are so funny!
BKT, you have tattoos? YOU SHOULD TOTALLY POST THEM! My webmasterman rick has them on his shoulder! He says it didnt hurt and that i should get one somewhere small and not noticeable for the acting stuff!
Bob
His name in the book is Russel Hoakes (possibly Hoax, though it’s hard to tell with audio books). And Russel’s nickname in my head is “Alan Truitt.” If Alan were to write a book mocking writers, this would be it.
Perhaps not, but you did miss the comment in which I let you know in a not-so-subtle way that you should write a book mocking bad writers. Oh, whoops! I guess someone else beat you to the punch. Those damn Sedaris siblings and their overachieving ways.
I think a “Damn” list must one day be built. So far we have…
Damn Babies
Damn Ghost of Freud
Damn Teenagers
And now…
Damn Sedaris Siblings (And Their Overachieving Ways)
I’ll stay on top of this. It’ll be time consuming, stroke inducing, sweat propelling, and it will ultimately drive me to experimenting with psychotropic chocolate bars… But that’s how it goes with these Damn Lists…
Damn Lists?!
Hey, there’s another!
That makes five.
Damn hippies
Damn hair
Damn guns
Damn blood
Damn cops
Damn Judge
Damn prison
Damn electric chair!
You have psychotropic chocolate bars? Greatest idea ever! I’ll sell them in my LJ. Kiosk!
Damn right, damn tyrants!
And they’re on the list.
Should that be hyphenated? As in Gov’t-created? Or is it Biblical, like on the third day, government created dust bowl?
These things can be important, you know.
I miss you, FJ. I miss everyone, really. I feel a little removed, and I’m realizing how easy it is to let these internet friendships lie fallow. Pleae don’t let our internet friendship dry up like a gov’t-created dust bowl!
I love tyrants, and I take umbrage at the idea that you would damn them in such a damning way. Tyrants are people too, and deserve the same respect as any human being, just like pirates and clowns.
*cough*
Pirate clown tyrants — well, that’s a whole different issue.
I found it by accident when searching Audible.com for Sedaris. I’m slightly obsessed, and suspect maybe I am the youngest sibling given up for adoption at birth. Damn adoption!
By the way, what is an LJ Kiosk? Am I out of the loop on something? No surprise there.
I thought we had an understanding, dear. I know where you are. Never fear.
So… You saw me rummaging though your garbage cans? How embarrassing for me.
John Cale said that “Fear is a man’s best friend”
Love Juice. It’s a line of smoothies.
Seriously.
“adoption” has been added to the list.
Mmmm. Uh, I mean…hmmmm. Curiouser and curiouser.
Are we in “Man in the Yellow Hat” curious territory?
Considering the psychotropic chocolate and the damn list, I would say we are in Alice in Wonderland curious territory. Nothing like a little Love Juice to make you start seeing white rabbits. You know, “one Son of Anarchy makes you large, and one Son of Anarchy makes you small.”
This is a delightful coincidence. I have a bottle that says “DRINK ME” and a cake that says “EAT ME”
Shall we dine?
It would be my pleasure.
Maybe you should leave the clowns at home and just bring the drink and cake.
Hah! Good call. They’d drink all the drink and just slam the cake in each other’s faces.
Damn clowns.
My teenager has, on occasion, made truckers pull their horn. But alas, she wasn’t with me this time.
And for the record, I do have tattoos.
Here in the states, the cars take care of all the stupid bumper stickers, as well as the dumbest personalized license plates in the western world. I’ve seen “Civic ” on a Honda, and “Hummer” on a…you guessed it! A Hummer. It should have said “Small Package” but I guess it wouldn’t fit.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad I entertain you, and I thank you for stopping by.
When will we see these tats??
Um…well. Possibly during my open-casket funeral, if they allow belly shirts in coffins, since that’s the only time I’d ever wear one. Oh wait! I’m not having a funeral of any kind, let alone an open casket, since it’s barbaric and bizarre.
I’m not the right age to go around showing a tattoo on my stomach to folks I meet on the internet. That stuff is only for women under 20 or over 50. But I will post a pic of my ugly flower tattoo along with the story accompanying it. Thanks for an easy blog post, since I still haven’t done crap for writing with all this “time off.”
When I lived in Texas with my family we used to laugh our asses out with the bumper stickers. My favorite one: My kid beat up your honor student! hahaha
Why in the world I would spread up the words on my kids’ success in school? In times like these it’s not smart to let other parents know on the performance and whereabouts of our children.
Ivan
Damn shy 30-something women who won’t show me their tattoos.
They’re on the list.
Shy, huh? I’m not sure that’s the right word. Socially retarded, sure, but shy? I’ll get back to you on that.
Damn shy chicks who promise to get back to me.
The list!
uughhh. Cant breathe
Hmmm. Explain. Are you breathless because Alantru is just so. damn. funny. ? Or is it because I’m socially retarded? Because that is the reason I’m not getting your comment, for sure.
Perhaps he couldn’t breathe because the comment box was squeezing his lungs. Just a thought. It sure looks different here on the actual page than it does from the dashboard.
It gets pretty tight. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Literally.
Whew (she breathes a sigh of relief). The correct use of the word “literally.” Such linguistic prowess for a dog.
Howling with laughter!
Like a…
damn dog!
May I recommend the bottom of your foot as a “not noticeable” location? I’m considering more work, but every time I do I imagine what it will look like when I’m a 72 year old who has been smoking and dropping E for the last two years, and I change my mind.