I'm a Super Star
My mate, ever the funny one, told me one time, “We love ourselves, but we don’t think we’re worth it.” He was absolutely right, about both of us. I do battle with the doubtful voice in my head daily, although I am a quitter and usually give up after the first feeling of inadequacy.
At least, I used to. Maybe my age helps, plus having a companion who expects great things from me, but lately I’ve felt an increasing need to push through difficult spots instead of avoiding them. It has made for some painful moments (okay, days). Sometimes, almost more than I can bear. Almost, because, although I feel a disgust for myself most of the time, there is some small thing in me that believes I KICK ASS.
I went to a public reading today, an open mic sort of thing, and I read my writing out loud in front of people for the first time. I felt sick all day, ready to throw up. But something kicked in while I sat there listening to people. I may do this thing, this public kind of show, because I want people to love me, but the truth is I’ve chosen writing to get that love because I’m good at it.
My mate couldn’t be there, so I got my friend M to video tape it, and I wanted to tell everyone, “I need to watch myself so I can improve, because I’m going to be a famous writer so I will have to do this a lot.” I don’t know where that came from, and I sure didn’t say it, but I believed it when I thought it.
And after I read my short story, I believed it even more. I moved those people, I made them feel things, with nothing but words. Me!
I don’t think I will be famous any time soon. In fact, I might never be. I am willing to admit that I will survive, even if the whole world doesn’t love me, or even like me. But the next time I think I’m not worth it, I hope I can remember that moment when I finished reading, and it didn’t matter to me what they thought. Because I thought I rocked.
I only hope I sounded as good as you. XOXOXOXO