Humans are a terrible invention, really. But there are moments when we make up for it.
Soul Shattering Pain Broken By Moments of Indescribable Beaty
Posted in Uncategorized with tags heartwrenchingly beautiful, sand painting, Ukraine's got talent, WWII on July 10, 2009 by barelyknittogetherWill Work For Just Long Enough to Demonstrate My Ineptness
Posted in Mental Stability, Motherhood, Why you should maybe rethink the whole reproducing thing with tags daily grind, i just wanted to be famous while i could still enjoy it, mommy, parenting, professional, she works hard for the money, work on July 2, 2009 by barelyknittogetherI have had many, many jobs.
I have been a gas station attendant, a dish washer, a car washer, a book store clerk, an art store clerk, an environmental department cubicle dweller, an analytical lab tech chemist type person, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker. But the last three I don’t get paid for, since they’re part of my wifely duties.
The thing is, I keep convincing people they should hire me, and these people continue paying me to work for them even after I demonstrate my total lack of common sense or normalcy.
I’m pretty sure if my husband wasn’t financially too invested in me he would upgrade, but I don’t know where else he’d find someone with such diverse experience.
Not only can I pump gas and wash dishes, but I can formulate scathing tongue lashings for the customer service reps that have screwed up our accounts, all while I’m on hold and playing Memory with the kids. I can analyze our drinking water for lead and also sew buttons back onto pants. I can write copy so hilarious and captivating that it sells a cheap, fake engagement ring on ebay. I can create truck routing schedules for hazardous waste pick-ups, a task that may seem irrelevant for a mother but believe me…it is not. I can count minuscule dead minnows in the bottom of a beaker. I can breed actual sea monkeys successfully, and then feed them to the minnows that did not die. I can fix Gas Cromatograph Mass Spectrometers that cost more than $100,000 each.
But now, my jobs seem so mundane. Wash dishes. Do laundry. Make appointments. Cook supper.
Where’s the glamor? The money, the glitz? I was destined for greatness, and now I’m…what?
Now I’m a model. A famous woman who is clamored over and stalked and hears my name shouted from everywhere, over and over and over:
“Mommy? Mommy? Mommeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!”
Is Crazy an Excuse for Rambling?
Posted in A Bit on the Dark Side, Naughty with tags anarchy, crazy like a fox, how to overthrow the government using only mushrooms, militia, New Jersey, sedaris, sons of anarchy, sons of bitches, tattoos, technical animal fat, wigfield on June 28, 2009 by barelyknittogetherI plan to make this the world’s most poorly planned and quickly executed blog post in history.
I drove to New Jersey Friday while listening to Wigfield by Amy Sedaris, Stephen Colbert, and Paul Dilello, and found myself transported to a land in which, instead of passing big rigs with Jesus slogans plastered on them, I sped by things such as a “World’s Largest Mushroom Producer” truck with tremendous mushroom graphics everywhere. There is something disturbing about a fungus that dwarfs your minivan.
Next up – “The Sons of Anarchy” rig, decked out in skulls and amazing tattoo art, or something. It was a thing of beauty, not least because I assumed it was a militia that was gathering a large following and obviously interesting many investors in its plan. What militia can afford an eighteen-wheeler like that? They’re normally too busy amassing weaponry and building compounds.
Since I don’t really believe there has yet emerged a group capable or truly willing to overthrow the government, I found myself getting really excited about the possibility that here was just such a group. Organized enough to have a name, to get the fancy truck with the gorgeous art, and to take their show on the road. Alas, thanks to the wonders of Google, I now know that “Sons of Anarchy” is a fucking television show. And that about sums up my opinion. I like my imaginary version much better, and have been busy writing up the vision statement for my newly formed militia, “Sons of Bitches and Daughters of Anarchy.” Leaving a revolution to men is just so eighteenth-century.*
Finally, my favorite vehicle on the road Friday was the tanker truck reading, “Valley Proteins – Not for human consumption. Technical Animal Fat.” I think it requires no further embellishment. I will just let the full impact of the possiblitites for the existence of such a beast to settle into your mind. And your stomach.
All in all, it was a delightful drive with only moderate screaming in the background, during which I just put both ear buds broadcasting Wigfield into my ears and turned up the volume. A lot.
*I have set up a Paypal account for receiving donations with which to pay for my husband’s defense when he sues the Department of Energy to have his security clearance reinstated. Fortunately, when Big Brother questions me about him, they don’t ask my views on government, so there’s a chance no one will notice my little leanings toward…let’s call it Extreme Libertarianism. Nonetheless, your donations are appreciated. I will use them to buy a cool truck and get some new ink. Thanks.
Love Them
Posted in Motherhood with tags "the perfect parent", bad mother, letting go, love, motherhood, parenting, raising children on June 24, 2009 by barelyknittogetherI’m referencing a post by my bloggie friend Betty, who inspired this response.
We all feel inept and bumbling when it comes to parenting, but most people are afraid to say it. We pretend we know “the answer” or “the way,” so that we can put our minds at ease that we will turn out people who follow our advice but really we are all just floundering around here creating people who will one day do things that make us cry, or laugh, or tear our hair out, or wail inside with almost unendurable pain.
You have to create a way of living that will work for your family. I’m not saying it’s okay to treat children any old way, either. As the product of a destructive home environment and the survivor of some horrible events, I am know the mess that can make.
Yes, there are some absolutes: Don’t teach racism. Don’t beat your children, with belts OR words. Don’t leave them alone in the bathtub. That sort of thing. And yes, there’s even empirical evidence that breastfeeding is best, and attachment parenting can be really good psychologically. But that doesn’t mean it will all work out perfectly. I have almost never yelled at my daughter. I fed her organic, I wore her everywhere, I breastfed her and tried to do everything I thought was right, which is to say, everything I was capable of doing at the moment. But she is nearly an adult, and she makes some choices that are unhealthy and self-destructive.
I like to quip to my friends that we all mess up our children. The trick is to give them good stories to tell their shrinks.
We could do this to ourselves forever, this throwing ourselves up against the wall of condemnation and inadequacy. We can damage ourselves and ruin any chance of being even a remotely good parent if we aren’t careful.
What all of it comes down to is this:
Love them.
Validate them.
Love them.
Hug them.
Love them.
Let go.
Let go.
Let go.
The Incredible Shrinking Blogger
Posted in Writing with tags adoring fans, is my ego showing?, is my pathological fear of abandonment showing?, nutjob, vacation, Writing on June 21, 2009 by barelyknittogetherHa! Don’t I wish!
No, folks, I don’t mean my waist line. That would be great, but I’m actually talking about the blog itself.
See, I have a problem. I spend way too much time writing and commenting around WordPress, and not nearly enough time on other things. Like say, sleeping. Writing things that might make money some day. Showering. You get the idea.
Plus Mr. Barely Knit Together is gone for three and a half weeks doing army reserves summer adventure camp annual training, leaving me in charge of a surly teenager, a large dog, and two small, rabid wombats.
So I’m curious to know how few posts I can get away with per week. How long before you grow tired of checking? Are we at that point in our relationship where I could take a week to go off by myself to that cabin in the mountains and not have you worry that I’ve found someone else?
And how about my commenting? Will you miss me, fellow bloggers? Will I eventually be forgotten, replaced by some shameless hussy who steps in to fill my comedic place? (I’m keeping an eye on you, Claire Collins)
This is not to say that I’m even capable of showing any kind of restraint when it comes to…well, to anything really, but mostly to following all my amazing blogger friends and replying to my sarcastic, cynical readers adoring fans.
So what do you think? Can I take a whole week off? Will my stats suffer? My god I’m obsessed with mice tats. Uh, I mean my stats.
I would really like to hear from you. What would it take to keep you happy in my absence? Do I need to give away prizes or something? Make big promises of joy and money upon my return? I could just occasionally upload random photos of my exploits. ”Barely Knit Together makes her morning coffee!” ”BKT brusing her teeth!” ”Barely Knit herding cats!”
Maybe this will be good for me. Maybe I’ll actually start to interact with real people whom I can see in real life and touch and hear and connect with.
Nah. Forget it.
Kidz Bop Can Suck It
Posted in Mental Stability, Motherhood with tags apocalypse, Flava Flav, hell in a handbasket, Idiocracy, Kidz Bop on June 18, 2009 by barelyknittogetherI used to be one of those people who would drive around blasting Public Enemy, or D.R.I. from speakers that were never built to handle such bringing on of the kickass.
I sang Nine Inch Nails “Closer” as loud as possible with the windows down and did not care one whit about the people staring at me. I smiled and waved at them while mouthing the chorus.
But now, when I pull up beside you at a light, you are more likely to hear Kidz Bop from my minivan.
My kids all love music, and thanks to McDonald’s happy meals, we now have a small collection of tripe music from Kidz Bop. Basically, they take mediocre songs and force 279 children to sing them. If one of my children puts one into the CD player, it starts playing automatically and if I don’t go all quick-draw McGraw on it, it’s too late.
“Mommy! Was that Kidz Bop?? Put it back on!”
My question is: why? Why take songs that are okay if you like that sort of thing, and make them into the stuff nightmares are made of?
How about this: they took Nickelback’s “Photograph,” which already sucked, and had these kids sing it. A song about reminiscing about being stoned, or something like that. They changed the simply shocking word “hell” to “heck.” Perfect.
I’d like to see them add Beyonce’s “Check Up on It,” which is relatively tame, or 50 Cent’s “In Da Club.” Maybe even a nice cover of “Shake That” by Eminem with Nate Dogg. I’m wondering how they’d fix the obvious lyrical problems in those songs.
Believe it or not, Kidz Bop is one of the best selling CD series ever produced.
If this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse, my name is Flava Flav.
Nothing to See Here, Folks
Posted in A Bit on the Dark Side with tags Bob Dylan, crack whores, gall bladder surgery, I'm a pirate I guess on June 17, 2009 by barelyknittogetherI had planned, for your listening pleasure, to share the delights of “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon, and “Savior” by Rise Against.
But ridiculous band managers who don’t recognize free publicity when they see it have hindered me.
So instead, I will post my friend Will’s weird take on Subterranean Homesick Blues. He wrote the lyrics, I think, then some guy in Russia put it to music. My friend then made the video. Something like that. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a crack team of lawyers who will sue me for getting it wrong.
And while I’m at it – here’s a shout out to Will and Julie, who were my coworkers before my family decided they needed me more than I needed my four paltry hours out of the house every week.
Wordless Wednesday, of Sorts
Posted in Wordless Wednesday with tags Kings of Leon, Milwaukee's Best, music, punk, Rise Against, rock, too old for slam dancing, Wordless Wednesday on June 16, 2009 by barelyknittogether
I just like it. It does something to me.
And the next song I just can’t get anywhere. So here’s a link. It’s worth a listen.
Am I too old for slam dancing? It makes me want to ride around blasting it with my feet out the window drinking a Milwaukee’s Best. Maybe I’m just too easy to please.
And probably Tannerleah or Capitalist Lion Tamer will be along shortly with their discerning ears to tell me it’s crap. But I don’t care, because I love it!
